Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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