Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
