Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
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So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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