I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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