Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Drunk is not a location!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
