I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
