you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
