After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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