So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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