my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together