I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
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I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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