She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
