she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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