I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
