i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...