Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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