my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
