Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
