You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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