The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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