i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
