know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
