I wanna bring you to show and tell
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
