please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am one with the molecules
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
