Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
