By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
