the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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