I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
