matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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