Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
