Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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