Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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