Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
