i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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