My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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