turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
