Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
