Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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