So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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