actually, I'm a sock model
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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