this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since