Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
