woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
