it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
