the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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