Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to align my fucking chakras
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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