i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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