Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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