What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
