I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I love you. Go after that dick
I came so hard my ears popped.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
