I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
