If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
