Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
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I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize