So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
