he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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