If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize