Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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