I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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