matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Never underestimate the power of titties
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
