He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
